It’s almost 5am right now and I can’t sleep. Can’t even come close to sleeping. I’m beyond mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted and yet nothing. This year has just been pure shit, and everytime there seems to be a silver lining, its torn away.
Started the year with a somewhat decent relationship, a job I was comfortable with, and a plan to save and move. I’ve watched almost everything get torn from me; watched my girlfriend lie and and stand me up, and rot away from cancer, got fired from a job that repeatedly claimed to appreciate me, and had my own parents keep telling me they’ll do whatever they can yo help me, only to try and take every last cent I have. I’ve gone through all this and more just this year, and at this point I’m just in a constant struggle to not say fuck everything and end my life.
I keep trying to tell myself I’m stronger and better then that, but each time I do, I’m pushed closer to the brink of oblivion. Each time, I keep asking myself what good any of it is.
I never want to hurt those close to me, and making that decision to step past the threshold would do just that. At the same time though, it feels like anything I do, any choice I make is just hurting myself, and whatever little bit of reward I get just doesn’t seem worth it. I’m honestly not sure what to do at this point.
so we went to an improv show and we played this game where somebody is given a trait and another player has to guess what it is based on how they answer questions
and one of the players who was a taxidermist was asked “what do you do for a living?” and she replied “oh you know…. stuff” AND TO THIS DAY THAT IS THE GREATEST PUN I HAVE EVER HEARD MY GOD